I’ve recently moved back to the U.S., and it’s a narrative I’ve heard countless times: “This is something to be thankful for.” The whole “new beginning” mantra is practically echoing around me. People keep reminding me of the opportunities I now have, opportunities others might dream of. And yet, there’s this nagging question I can’t seem to shake—what if this isn’t what I ever wanted?
I’m not ungrateful; far from it. I see God’s blessings in my life, abundant and constant, and I thank Him for them every single day. But still, when I take a moment to reflect on what I truly want, my mind keeps circling back to the one thing I know I can never have.
It’s strange, isn’t it? Those who seem to know exactly what they want often find it’s the one thing perpetually out of reach. Is this some cosmic irony at play? A cruel joke of fate? Or is it that clarity only strikes when it’s too late—when what we desire is forever beyond our grasp?
This longing, this void—it’s both hollow and unbearably heavy. A paradox I carry every day.
Some tell me it must be tough settling into a new country, adapting to a completely different rhythm of life. Others back home thought I was struggling there and believed this move might be the solution. Honestly, I don’t know who’s right anymore. I don’t know anything anymore.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
What’s next?
I have no answers.
I feel like I’m drifting, caught in deep waters with no energy left to swim. So I’ve resigned myself to the current, letting it pull me wherever it will—whether that’s a new shore or a suffocating descent into the depths. Just resigned to the current wherever it takes me
Such an incoherent blabber this is turning out to be—just a chaotic tangle of thoughts spilling out with no real structure. I guess that's another thing that managed to find the exit door. But maybe that’s how it’s meant to be. Maybe not everything in life is supposed to make sense, to find its neat little resolution.
In the end, perhaps all of this will find its way to where it’s meant to go. Or maybe it won’t. For now, I’m just here, caught somewhere between gratitude and longing, between knowing and not knowing. And maybe, just maybe, that’s okay. I don't know.
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