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3/10/24 Ink and Solitude

Lately, I've been writing a lot, both here and in my diary. I wonder why I feel the need to spill out so much. It's like my thoughts are a jumbled mess that I'm trying to sort out. I've always felt kind of foggy in the head, not really caring about much. But lately, there's been this underlying sadness that I can't shake.

I've never really bought into the idea that happiness should be the main goal in life. It's more like something you can choose to feel, rather than something you chase after. But now, I'm not sure if I really believed that or if I was just fooling myself. I've heard that if you keep telling yourself something, it can come true. Maybe I've been doing that without even realizing it. Even if it is a pursuit, I feel there are better things to pursue instead and happiness itself seems quite a useless pursuit as it is always going to be transient.

I'm grappling with why I feel so down. Is it because I didn't get what I wanted, or because what I got wasn't what I wanted? Is it what didn't happen that's aching my heart or is that what happened instead that's so gut wrenching? I'm not sure if I'll keep writing on this blog. It feels safer to pour my thoughts into my diary. It kinda feels weird showing the wounds for everyone to see and judge. Some things are just too personal to share with the world.

I want to figure things out, and they say writing it down is half the solution. So, I'll try to write more openly, without worrying about what others might think. Whether I'll stick with this blog or not, I'm not sure. I've got a lot of "I don't knows" to work through. Until next time. Goodbye for now.

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