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3/22/24 A promise, broken

I've been feeling pretty numb lately. It's like there's this constant buzzing in my head that drowns out everything else. Losing someone important to you can do that, you know? It's like nothing else really matters anymore. The problem is that I have lost myself. I don't feel my existence. How can I when I can't see the eyes, that validated my existence, anymore.


Work, friendships, academics—they all seem to be falling apart, one by one. And the weirdest part is, I don't even care. It's like this numbness has taken over, and it's not the first time I've felt like this.


When things get really tough, I used to turn to physical pain to snap me out of it. Punching walls until my knuckles bled—it was the only thing that made me feel alive again. I even made promises to stop, but last night, I couldn't resist and succumbed to that tendency.


I know I messed up. I broke a promise and I am sorry. But, I know that the promise I took in return has been broken as well. I guess we are both waada-shikan. Another reason why WE should've been.


I was asked not to close off my heart. But it's not the matter of clossing it off. It's just that it isn't available. It already has an owner that's gonna stay there forever. It's not closed off, it's just tucked in.





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